The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
