So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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