More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
