You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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