I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
