im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
My sheets look like a crime scene.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
