if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
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