I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
