Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
