dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
