I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
