White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
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I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
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How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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