My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize