tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
