apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
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