Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
