No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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