Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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