I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
