did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
