he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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