haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
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We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
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I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
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