Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
