my mouth tastes like poor choices
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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