If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
