Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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