Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I'm passing your future prison.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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