worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
