Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
