Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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