you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
