I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
