My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
