I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
