fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
