i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I looked at my own cervix.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
The beer is more important than you right now.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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