omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
