I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize