butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
