cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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