Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
