I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
