when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Randomize
