omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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