Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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