I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
