Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
