I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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