mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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