Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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