Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
