I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
