Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
