So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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