I hate all girls vehemently.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I need water and some morals
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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