you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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