someone threw a dead crab at me
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
