feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
