I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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