I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
