then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
