i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
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