Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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