Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
