Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
