so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I haven't been this sober since birth.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
