Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
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Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
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ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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