Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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